“In the spirit of Christmas and the never ending self promotion, a celebrity agency has been set up under the tutelage of media mogul Janet Street Porter. In Janet’s own words the challenge was not so much to highlight any good causes or give something back but, “to see if we could take these useless fuckers and make some bloody cash for me out of these spineless sales shits.”

Her planning and buying staff include Simon Cowell, Jordan, and Kerry Katona.

“So far I think we have the media office dynamics down really well”, said Porter ,”Jordan has already been shagged by everyone, actually twice. Simon is a fucking natural at this game. I think anyone has got past saying hello to him without him reducing them to tears. As for Kerry well she must have half of Bolivia up her nose and it’s only 9.30!”

“The main problem has been with Stephen Hawking. He’s a nice guy and everything, and he has a trendy American Accent which is great for digital Media, but he’s just a bit slow when dealing with all the spreadsheets. You’d think that for a fucking robot he would be a bit better, but it seems there is no better robot than the human ones that do this job full time.”

The Agency “Creative App” has been trading since Monday and has so far planned 0 campaigns, and won 0 clients, but have managed between them 27 lunches, and grabbed 16 gifts. The future looks bright for these talentless celebs!

We’ll keep you posted.